Let me start by saying that as a wife and the mother of an energetic two-year-old boy, it is not often that I have a chunk of time all to myself to do what I want to do. When I’m at home with my husband and son, they are my priority, and I – by choice – put my singing and my blogging to the side. So, over the past couple of months when I did have an hour here and there to myself, I would get out my camera and start recording myself singing a couple of songs that I had written recently – “Beautiful in You” and “Can’t Get It out of My Head.” After I looked at the videos that I did, something seemed to be wrong with each one – either I missed some of the notes or sang the wrong words. I decided that those videos were completely unusable, so off to the delete bin they went. One day, my husband suggested that I use our video camera instead of the regular camera. I thought that was an excellent idea, so I ran into his closet to get the video camera only to find that the plug I needed to charge it was missing! Ugh.
As each day passes by with me still not posting my music to this blog, I feel more and more like a failure because I am not living up to the goal that I set for myself and for this blog. On a positive note though, I have really, really, really enjoyed writing on this blog. Writing has turned out to be a wonderful creative outlet for me that I have come to cherish and enjoy.
As I was getting ready this morning, some of my I-guess-it-just-wasn’t-meant-to-be dreams came to mind. I remembered going to college with the dream of becoming a doctor, but after three years of studying biology, chemistry and anatomy and physiology, I realized that I didn’t even like any of those subjects. I walked away from that dream saying, “I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.” I changed my major to Business Administration, which turned out to be right up my alley and also helped me figure out that I wanted to be a financial advisor so that I could help people manage their money. After graduating college, I got a job with a well-known financial company and became a licensed financial advisor. After about three months on the job, it became apparent to me that this job is part helping people and part selling people stuff. No one ever told me that you had to be a salesman to be a financial advisor! If I had known that, I’m sure I would have taken a different career path as I am definitely not gifted with the characteristics of a good salesperson. Side note: when I was younger, I absolutely hated going door to door in my neighborhood selling cookies or candy for my school. With each house that I went to, I prayed that no one would answer the door so that I wouldn’t have to sell anyone anything. I knew that if I couldn’t sell cookies to my neighbors then there was no way I would be able to sell investments to strangers. Once again, I found myself walking away from a dream saying, “I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”
Jump to the present, and here I am still chasing my long time dream of being a singer/songwriter, and boy has it been a struggle. Every time I sing in front of people I get so nervous that it almost cripples me. And while I can say that I've gotten a lot better about dealing with my nerves before singing in front of people, that fear is still very real to me. Even just singing by myself in front of my little camera was super nerve-racking for me! So, I’m starting to wonder, am I really meant to be a singer? Is singing what God has for me? And if it is, then why has it been so difficult?
Shawn McDonald has a new song out called “Closer.” I’ve been hearing this song on KSBJ (Houston’s local Christian radio station) for the past few weeks, and it's now permanently on my list of songs that inspire me. The song reminds me that whether this dream of singing ever comes true or not, it’s all about being closer to God. As I continue to draw near to Him and stay in close relationship with Him, I believe He will reveal His dreams for me and show me the right paths to take.